Controlling the mind 101: Harnessing the anger response

Our Controlling the Mind 101 series will help you to improve your life and your performance. Image credit: Dingzeyu Li

An emotionally intelligent approach to life is proven to reduce stress and part of Emotional Intelligence (EQ) includes taking note of which emotions you are experiencing and acknowledging them in order to change the outcomes. We feel that the most fiery of our emotions, anger, is not acceptable, that it is a negative emotion and that an angry response to a situation is a weakness or failing within ourselves which can lead to feelings of guilt, blaming ourselves and following a dark emotional path thereafter.

If we are on the receiving end of another’s anger then we may respond in many different ways, we may take it to heart, see it as a threat or perceive the other in a negative light, or, we can choose to let it go if we take a emotionally intelligent approach.

But not all anger stems from the same type of trigger and there are many types of anger and how it manifests, if we can identify the type of the anger we can help to control our response.

Imagine the scenario that we are in queue and the man in front of us is shouting and bangs his fist on the desk, his complaint: a defective phone bought 2 days ago. Nobody bats an eyelid, as it’s fairly normal and people carry on staring at their phones. The customer service rep sighs and accepts this behaviour as being part of the job description.

Now let’s put different spin on this, imagine the scenario, defective phone and this time the man burst into tears and breaks down sobbing. This is not that normal and would certainly elicit a different response from the customer support person and the general public around him. Why? It is another human emotion, that we have all experienced and are aware in others. As an emotional intelligence coach I know that the emotion lasts for 6 seconds, and the continued duration of an emotion is something quite different.

Anger is just an emotion

but it can be used for change

So how do we take the moment from one of feeling the emotion and allowing it to escalate out of control into something much bigger? An emotionally intelligent approach to the emotion will enable you to experience the emotion for the full 6 seconds. If you allow the 6 seconds to elapse and then wait before responding this will give you the time to then reflect on the emotion, to understand that it is there and then detach from it, putting it to one side. This will then enable you to take stock and to plan a positive action that will help to resolve whatever the issue is that is causing that response.

What is the basis of our anger? I have had over 22 years of experience of working with clients from 167 different countries, from different social backgrounds and have concluded that we can be angry at different things in life and indeed as the article says there are at least four different types of anger. The bottom line remains that anger comes from not feeling or being in control. Additionally, anger is not justifiably towards the person we are directing it at, rather the anger is towards oneself.

One thing I am 100% certain of, anger only burns us, we are the carrier of the emotion, and left unexpressed can certainly cause dis-ease in the body

Anger is neither a good nor bad emotion, it is an emotion. Used in the right way it can be used for change. We can see evidence of this with Greta Thunberg who has used her anger at the way previous generations are destroying the planet she will inherit. Her Justifiable Anger has been expressed in a positive way to mobilise millions of supporters all over the globe to bring around positive change.

Let go of anger in order to move forwards

If you are holding on to anger, do the same as you would if you were to hold on to a saucepan handle which is too hot, your natural instinct is to let go of it. Do the same with emotional anger, let go it, as it will only burn you, the same way in which the pan will.

I have worked with some clients who have held onto their anger for over 50 years. These clients demonstrate that once you let go life is lighter and therefore you can make room for other emotions such as gratitude and good old love.

Yugen is here to support and guide you on your human and spiritual journey, to give guidance with life’s challenges and to bring about positive change in the world by starting with the individual, by starting with you. Why not sign up to our free email Tip of the Week for bite sized thought starters to help with guiding your own thoughts? Scroll down and add your email address in the banner on our home page.

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